At what age do kids start saying thank you?

Children typically start saying 'thank you' through imitation around 18-24 months. However, at this stage they're simply mimicking sounds they've heard, not expressing genuine gratitude.

When do children actually understand gratitude?

Genuine understanding of gratitude develops around ages 5-7, when children develop 'theory of mind'—the ability to understand that others have unique thoughts and feelings. Consistent, unprompted thank-yous typically appear between ages 7-10.

Is it normal for a 3-year-old to forget to say thank you?

Yes, it's completely normal. At ages 2-4, children are learning the social script of saying thank you, but the brain regions involved in genuine gratitude are still developing. Prompted thank-yous are developmentally appropriate at this age.

How can I teach my child to be genuinely grateful?

Model gratitude yourself—children learn by watching you thank others. Use everyday moments like car rides and bedtime for brief conversations about kindness, such as asking 'Who was kind to you today?' Research shows small daily conversations teach gratitude better than formal lessons.

When Do Kids Learn to Say Thank You? By Age

Q: What's a better way to teach gratitude than saying 'what do you say?'

Instead of prompting 'What do you say?', try asking 'How did that make you feel?' This connects the emotion of gratitude to the words, rather than training rote compliance. Daily small conversations during car rides or bedtime are more effective than big lectures.

Your 3-year-old just ripped open a birthday gift, squealed with delight, and ran off to play—without a single “thank you.” You’re mortified. Grandma’s watching. But here’s what I’ve learned after eight kids and a lot of digging into the research: what’s happening is probably exactly what should be happening.

Children typically start saying “thank you” through imitation around 18-24 months. However, genuine understanding—grasping why we thank others—develops around ages 5-7 when perspective-taking abilities emerge. Consistent, unprompted thank-yous usually appear between ages 7-10.

Key Takeaways

Toddlers saying “thank you” at 18-24 months are mimicking sounds, not expressing genuine gratitude
True understanding of gratitude requires perspective-taking abilities that develop around ages 5-7
Ask “How did that make you feel?” instead of “What do you say?” to connect emotion to gratitude
Daily small conversations teach gratitude more effectively than big sit-down lectures

The Two Phases Every Parent Should Know

Here’s what my librarian brain couldn’t let go: there’s a huge difference between saying thank you and meaning it. And most parenting advice completely ignores this distinction.

Phase 1: The Mimicking Stage (18-24 months)

Medical developmental guidelines confirm that toddlers learn to say “thank you” as social mimicry during this window. They’re copying what they hear—like little parrots. My 2-year-old says “thank you” when I hand her a cracker because she’s heard it a thousand times. She has zero idea why.

Stat showing toddlers start mimicking thank you at 18-24 months old

This mimicking stage is completely normal and actually an important first step. Your toddler is learning the social script even if the meaning hasn’t clicked yet.

Think of it like learning to wave goodbye. The gesture comes first. Understanding that it means “I’ll miss you” comes much later.

Phase 2: The Understanding Stage (5-7 years)

Research from UNC-Chapel Hill’s Raising Grateful Children project found something fascinating: kids as young as 6 can recognize the difference between saying “thank you” and meaning it. They’ll actually say things like, “She said thank you, but she didn’t mean it.” They get the concept—even if they can’t consistently apply it themselves.

This tracks with what Greater Good Science Center researchers explain about theory of mind developing around age 5. That’s when children start understanding that others have unique thoughts and feelings—the cognitive foundation genuine gratitude requires.

Comparison chart showing toddlers copy sounds at 18-24 months while 5-7 year olds understand why we say thank you — The brain needs years to connect the words to the meaning behind them.

What’s Actually Realistic By Age

Three siblings of different ages opening gifts together showing varied gratitude responses — Watch closely and you’ll see each age responds to gifts completely differently.

I’ve watched this unfold eight times now. Here’s what to expect:

Ages 2-4: Prompted thank-yous. Completely normal. They’re learning the script, not the meaning.
Ages 5-7: Emerging understanding. They’re starting to connect gratitude to why someone did something kind.
Ages 7-10: Reliable expression. This is when research shows children can genuinely experience and express gratitude consistently.

Timeline showing gratitude development from prompted thank-yous at ages 2-4 to genuine expression at ages 7-10 — Genuine gratitude is a skill that develops over years, not something kids are born knowing.

So yes, it’s completely normal for your 3-year-old to forget. The brain regions involved in gratitude are literally still developing.

Around age 5, something shifts in your child’s brain. They begin to understand that other people have different thoughts and feelings than they do.

This milestone—called theory of mind—is the foundation for genuine empathy and gratitude. Without it, “thank you” is just sounds without meaning.

Stat showing age 5 is when kids first understand others have different feelings

One Better Approach Than “What Do You Say?”

Parent kneeling at eye level with young child holding a gift having a warm conversation — Getting down to their level changes everything about the conversation.

Johns Hopkins’ Dr. Jennifer Katzenstein recommends a simple shift that changed how I handle this in my house:

Instead of prompting “What do you say?”—try asking “How did that make you feel?”

This connects the emotion of gratitude to the words, rather than training rote compliance. It’s also the foundation for the psychology behind gift-giving and eventually raising generous children who genuinely care about others.

Comparison showing how asking about feelings builds genuine gratitude versus prompting rote compliance — One small question swap makes a surprisingly big difference over time.

The research backs up this approach in everyday moments too.

“We think a lot of gratitude lessons are learned in daily conversations, rather than big, sit-down, let’s-instill-a-virtue discussions.”
— Andrea Hussong, Professor at UNC-Chapel Hill

In my house, this looks like car-ride chats about why Grandma chose that particular gift, or bedtime reflections on who made us smile that day. Small moments. No lectures.

Stat showing daily small conversations teach gratitude better than big lectures

The best part? These micro-moments don’t require any extra time. You’re already in the car. You’re already doing bedtime.

Just slip in one simple question: “Who was kind to you today?” or “What made you feel happy?” The seeds get planted without anyone feeling lectured.

Infographic showing easy gratitude conversation opportunities during car rides, mealtimes, and bedtime — You’re already doing these routines anyway, so why not sprinkle in one quick question?

The research is clear: model it, don’t force it. Your toddler is watching you thank the grocery clerk. That matters more than any prompted performance.

What’s your approach to thank-yous—do you prompt, wait it out, or something in between? I’m still figuring out the balance between teaching manners and forcing empty words. Would love to hear what’s worked in your house.

Your real stories help other parents know they’re not alone in this.

Playful young child peeking out from behind a large wrapped gift box with mischievous grin — That mischievous grin is worth more than a hundred forced thank-yous.

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References

UNC-Chapel Hill Raising Grateful Children Project – Research on how children develop genuine gratitude
American Psychological Association – Neuroscience of gratitude development in children
Greater Good Science Center – Developmental timeline for gratitude expression
Johns Hopkins Medicine – Practical strategies for teaching gratitude